Tag Archives: Sex

There’s a Panty Thief on the Loose

15 Jul

There is clearly a panty thief on the loose and he seems to be jacking me for my granny panties.  Every time I get out of the shower I rummage through my drawer looking for just the right pair.  And every time my selection looks a littler skimpier and sexier.  All of my cotton, nylon and cover your cheeks panties are gone.  Just vanished.  This has been happening for some time now so I decided to investigate.  I questioned my first suspect the other night:

Me:  Hey, have you seen any of my boy shorts, hip huggers or briefs?

The hubs: Naw, I haven’t.  But maybe you should put these on.  (holds up a thread of string that should only be worn when going half on a baby)

Me: *scoffs* You are so predictable.  I don’t want to wear those.  I just bought some new boy shorts the other day.  Are they in the dryer?

(I go to the laundry room and look for my panties.  When I come back, the hubs is nowhere to be found but he has so politely pull out yet another pair of undies–this time with lace and ruffles–and has laid them on the bed)

Me:  (I hunt him down) Look I know you’re doing something with my underwear and I don’t appreciate it…Since when do we tell each other what to wear?  That’s oppression.  You are trying to control me and you know I am a woman who can not be tamed.  (I have to inject my feminist perspective on this)

The hubs: (bewildered)  Babe, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  What reason would I have to get rid of your panties?

(Wha—is he really asking me this question with this dumbfounded look on his face?  As if his initial antics weren’t evidence enough to support my suspicions).  Here’s the problem, I think I set the bar too high and he got spoiled.  In our younger years we would frequently go to VS and splurge on undies.  I won’t lie, there is a sexiness that comes with wearing a naughty pair of panties, and not to mention the sleekness of not having panty lines bulging through your wardrobe.  But after a couple of pregnancies, one episiotomy and a horrible case of hemorrhoids, thong undies were the last thing on my mind.  So I started wearing nice, but no so sexy ones–comfort was my goal.

Apparently this hasn’t fared well with the hubs.  I guess our spontaneous and recent stops to Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood have gone under my radar because I always came out of those stores with a new bra or fragrance, but no panties. So when desperate times call for desperate measures the hubs will use any means necessary to get his point across.  Even if it means being a thief in the night and rearranging my panty drawer–though he vehemently denies these accusations.

Rule of Life #1257  Granny panties are one of the top things men hate.  Evidently, panties mean alot to the opposite species, because they’re willing to do the most outlandish things to ensure you wear just the right ones.

Sex and the Busy Mom

23 Jun

I recently read a poll about how seldom moms have sex.  It’s funny because of all the wisdom and suggestions offered at my baby shower I don’t remember anyone telling me about this devious little secret (the next shower I attend, I’m spilling the beans)!  The poll stated moms want to have sex as often as dad, but it often gets pushed aside and forgotten about–pretty depressing, right?  Sadly, I can attest to having a fleeting libido.  But I’m happy to report, my mojo is on a comeback tour.

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I was so excited when a couple of my friends told me about the “peak” women experience in their late 20’s into their 30’s. My entire 20’s have been dedicated to being a mom and wife. Which is very important but sometimes we miss out on self and forget about the things that once stimulated our nipples minds and bodies.  I’ll be the first to admit, kids will eff up your sex life.  Personally, I felt abandoned by my libido. Going from multiple times a day to being able to count on one hand how many times in one week had me distraught.  I came to gripes with myself when I sat down and wrote my once rambuctious mojo a letter:

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Dear Mo,

I know things haven’t been the same between us lately. I remember when it was all about the ambiance: 112 in the cd player, candles lit, sexy lingerie. Now it’s just “Are we gonna do this or not?”.  Where did we go wrong?  Is it my muffin top?  My thunder thighs?  You know I’ve been working on that for about 6 years now.  Was it the hair cut?  I know you felt like a sex kitten with long hair–I can get a wig!  Was it the lactating boobs?  Hey I had mouths to feed but we’re over that now.  I just want you to come back to me.  As desperate as I sound we really miss you!

Love,

Your former bff

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I recently had a party with dildos, vibrating panties and oils (oh my).  It was fun and entertaining but it reminded me of how important being uninhibited really is.  And how essential it is to have one-on-one time with the hubs–sans the kids!   Most men take it personally when they experience a plunge in their sex life.  In my experience, it wasn’t about him.  It was about the added responsibilities of keeping up with the kids, the house, the pets, the job.  I think I got my first grey hair 4 years ago, yikes I was only twenty–er–nevermind.  So fellas, if you want to get her in the mood try washing dishes, folding clothes, cooking dinner.  Keep the kids out of the bathroom while mom is in the shower.  Tell her to go out with the girls and take a few shots of grey goose let her hair down!   And you’ll see how fast the lingerie comes out of the closet!

Rule of Life #1104 Bitchin’ aint easy and neither is gettin’ your freak on with a house full of kids!

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Some interesting reads:

The Magic Pill That Makes Oral Sex Taste Better

7 Sex Moves to Try in Bed Before You Pop the Female Viagra

My Husband And I Made a Sex Contract