Tag Archives: Marriage

Wrap Beef

7 Jan


There are some things that women do that’s necessary for them to stay fab and beautiful.  It may not look appealing and it may seem ridiculous, but men need to know that it’s necessary for these things to be done.  Case in point…I spend $30-$40 every two weeks to get my hair done.  To preserve my luscious locks and to make my hair style last, I wear a satin scarf or bonnet on my head.  I wear it on my “narci” days, when I’m cleaning and when I give my kids a bath (you don’t know the level of pissed one can be when her kids splash bath water on her mane).   I take a lot of pride in my hair.  This is nothing new, I’ve done it for years.  However just recently it was brought to my attention that my hair wraps are sort of a buzz kill in the bedroom.  As I was getting ready for bed one night I attempted to spark a pretty random convo that was the perfect setup for the hubs to get him some that night.  I just knew he was gonna make me feel special…um yea right:

Me (while getting ready for bed): What do you love about me?

Him: Your dedication to that thing on your head.

(baffled because I was waiting for him to talk about my flawless beauty or the way my legs look in my Jessica Simpson pumps–yes this convo was initiated from a very narcissistic place)

Me: Wait–What?  You mean my scarf?

Him: Yep.

Me: What don’t you like about my scarf, I’ve always worn it to bed.

Him: Yep. That’s the problem.

You see, although I take pride in my appearance, my nighttime habits were affecting my relationship.  My husband had beef with my head-wraps.  Men are apparently visual creatures.  The sight of us looking like Aunt Jemima just isn’t attractive or romantic to them.  And while some of us have strict bedroom rules when it comes to our manes (i.e., don’t pull too hard and nothing in the hair *wink wink*) sometimes we need to be snapped back to reality and reminded that not only should we look fly for ourselves, but also for our man.  While I can’t promise to never wear it to bed (who wants their hair to look frizzy and raggedy the next day?) I can compromise by holding off from putting it on…for a few minutes.

Venus vs. Mars: What You Won’t Do Another Chick Will Pt I

20 Oct

I don’t ever want to think about what I would do if I ever had to handle infidelity within my marriage.  If history serves me correctly, I tend to get quite psychotic when it comes to my family.  So if there were ever an intruder in my union, please believe she’d be dealt with.  Right after I unleash a WWE style ass kicking on my husband.  My husband and I talk about infidelity once a quarter.  Normally, it’s just a reminder that I’m liable to cause major damage if such a situation arose.

So during our meeting for this quarter he had the audacity to say “Well women won’t have to worry about their men cheating if they are taking care of business.  Nine times out a ten his mistress can teach you something”.  *cue the Xanax-kush-vodka cocktail*  This man has lost his mind!!  But I wanted to indulge him, here’s what he had to say:

“What she’s not willing to do, there’s another woman that’s more than willing.” Whether you want to admit it or not, that saying is 10000% true.  In my opinion, the only way to avoid that other woman is just to do what he asks you to do. As long as he’s willing to fulfill your needs and fantasies, I don’t see a problem with it. If you’re one of those stubborn women that refuse, then chances are that he has a woman on the side that doesn’t have a problem role playing, dressing up, or whatever it is he’s asking you to do. Don’t be mad at him, or her, honestly it’s your fault. You want to know what I would recommend?  What I would recommend doing, take notes from his mistress.  Yes, seriously……take notes. The mistress could suggest a few things that’ll add a firework show to your relationship that you can’t even imagine. Maybe a few things such as:

Role Play – Sometimes we men (at least I have)  dream about getting pulled over by a sexy female cop and getting out of a ticket, or staying after class for some extra credit, etc. There’s nothing wrong with it. It can actually be fun if you get rid of the ‘I’m too good for that’ attitude.   Be that cop, or that teacher for one night and see where it gets you!!!

Get Rid of Those Granny Panties – We don’t want to see that. We grew up wearing tighty whities and granny panties aren’t doing anything except taking us back to our childhood–not where we want to be when it’s time to get it going.  Women know how easily we get excited. Give us something exciting to look at.

Get Those Sexy Underwear and Walk Around Them – This goes back to what I said in the last paragraph. Eye candy is always great! It’s even better because we get to watch you walk that walk that turns us on, hips switching from side to side.

Send Him Naughty Text Messages and Pics – This will keep his mind on you all day.  Things gets bored as hell in that office all day.  Sending him a sexy text message to let him know what to expect after work would put a huge smile on his face! So will sending him a picture of what’s waiting for him after work. On that same note, don’t refrain from continuing any conversation that your text message may start. There’s no point of starting something you’re not willing to finish.

Give Head – Nothing irritates him more than hearing “I don’t feel like it!!” There’s no reason not to. A mistress has NO PROBLEM DOING IT!!! At home, in the kitchen, in the car, at the movies, in the changing room, it doesn’t matter. Just do it!!

Not to say I have a mistress that does this for me–but even if I did–what me and the nanny does is nobody’s business!!!! Anyway ladies, you have 2 options; either keep him happy or learn from your man’s mistress.

While he had some valid points, I smell male dominance all over this piece.  Is this really how our men think of us?  If the woman doesn’t act right on to the next one?! First off, the assertion that a mistress would even be an option speaks to the greed and entitlement men feed into.  Clearly there needs to be two parts to this complex controversy.  Part II coming soon.

The Things Men Do

30 Aug

Men are loving, caring, funny and sweet.  And while us women love them with all our hearts, their foolish and shocking antics leave us with lots to talk about.  It’s never a dull moment when a man is around, and we can’t help but to sit back and laugh, roll our eyes, shake our heads or drop our jaws at  their crazy occurrences of ridiculousness.

  • Picks his toes, flicks it and measures the velocity of the flick…and to top it off, he’ll most likely smell the toe debris before throwing it behind the couch in the trash.
  • Stays up til 2 am to watch The Godfather when he knows he has to be at work at 8am.
  • Takes you on a “date” to  an all-in-one peep show/sex shops/adult video store–his idea of a romantic night.
  • Places his  hands in his pockets to scratch his balls–a suave move in his book and a head-shaking one in ours.
  • Changes the channel or close the laptop really quickly when he hears footsteps approaching.
  • Hops up off the couch with super fast speed as you walk through the doors to portray that he’s been doing something other than being a lazy ass couch potato .
  • Washes his hands and accidentally splashes water on the lower part of his shirt creating an appearance  that he’s pee’d on himself.
  • Lives vicariously through video games–Madden Superbowl games are taken seriously.  You would think he was personally on the field.
  • Brags about his driving skills when you both know he failed driver’s ed–twice.
  • Offers to baby sit–his own child(ren).
  • Buys a purse out of the truck of a stranger’s car…and then offer it up to his special lady as a birthday present.
  • Tries to wipe with the strands of toilet paper that are glued to the roll.
  • And then refuses to replace the empty toilet paper roll with a new one.

No Bitchin’ For One Day

26 Aug

I tried not bitchin’ for one full day.  And by mid-morning I felt like I was on some type of sabbatical quest to unearth a lost treasure.  It just seemed impossible.  At days end my blood pressure was categorically high, my fuse was short and my patience was worn thin; holding my tongue all day was like eating soup with a fork.  Here’s the background on what inspired my ambitious journey:  I can be seen as an aggressive person, an attribute I actually take pride in.  It’s a great way to weed out the simple-minded people who try to bring weakness into your life.  I consider myself  strong not feeble; mouthy not timid, assertive not passive, confident not self-loathing. So when it was brought to my attention that I push people away with my “hard-to-swallow” personality, I decided to test myself.  Be a tad docile for a day and see where it gets me.  So basically no bitchin’.  (xanax time)

Ok, great here we go:  The morning started off well.  Nothing too overwhelming happened…I mean I could have griped about the toothpaste residue in the bathroom sink, or his drawers on the bathroom floor, or the wet foot prints in front of the shower door– but I didn’t.  I just cleaned up the mess and threw his dirty laundry in the basket.  I could have got started when sweetness demanded I cut the crust off her sandwich–a grievance I guess she’d harbored since the afternoon before when she had to peel off  her own damn crust—*gasps* oh so earth shattering, but I replied with a “yes sweetie”.    Then in my downtime I got on the computer to check out my social networks.  And while I wanted to honestly and bluntly comment on some of the fuckery that I was seeing online, I knew I had an ultimate goal in mind and people who I don’t even care about weren’t going to take my eye off the prize.

And at the end of the day….I wish I could say I felt enlightened, relaxed, overcome with joy, but I didn’t… I felt the effin’ same.  In fact I felt worse, because I couldn’t be who I truly wanted to be.  All of the suppressed bitchin’ created a negative energy field for me.  There’s a reason women like me can’t hold their tongue, we will  freaking stroke out if we did.  I, personally don’t bitch just to bitch, my goal is to make everything better ( isn’t this such a distorted way of thinking).  So much to the dismay of my husband I’m back to the old me and the “no bitchin'” me is long gone.  I’m sure the hubs thought this little experiment was going to last a few days maybe even weeks to which I reply “chilllle please!!”

So Fantasia’s the Only One to Blame?

17 Aug

Not to beat a dead horse but I’ve been simmering about the Fantasia debacle since the ish hit the fan a few weeks ago.  I’m annoyed with the “she should have known better” basis for everyone’s new-found hate for her.  I’d be the first to admit she was wrong for her illicit affair with a married man.  She entered into a messy situation with her lover Antwan Cook, whose name she tattooed on her shoulder (idiot) but later got it removed, and she needs to woman-up to every ounce of heartache that comes with it.  In a blink of an eye, America’s soulful sweetheart has been berated and forced to wear a Scarlett letter and has jeopardized the empire she has struggled to build and maintain.

The North Carolina law that’s been cast to the forefront of Fantasia’s not-so-fairytale life is “alienation of affection”, a law that dates back to a time in our sad history when women were considered property, and if a man had an affair with another man’s wife it would be considered stealing and punishable by law.  Typically used for and by men, however the law is not gender specific, therefore wives have equal rights under this law.  North Carolina is one of 13 states with this law on the books.  I first heard of this law a few months back when this scorned wife sued her husband’s lover for $9 mil resulting in the wife winning the case.

Fantasia’s PR nightmare has had its share of theories:

–She was set up:  the lover and his wife knew they lived in a “alienation of affection” state therefore they used him as bait to set her up to sue her for her money.  To further corroborate this story, it was reported that a few months back when they were supposedly separated, the lover and his wife were seen at a social event together but refused to take photographs as a couple.

–It’s all for publicity:  days after her alleged suicide attempt Fantasia and her lover were seen being videotaped and followed by a camera crew.  It’s believed the camera crew was for her VH1 reality TV show Fantasia For Real set to air in September.

–She fell for a hustler:  reports have surfaced that he is a licensed realtor and would frequently take her to homes he claimed were his but were really properties he was responsible for selling.  There ‘s also the curiosity surrounding his real occupation because he also worked full-time at a T-Mobile store–this is how he apparently met Fantasia last year.

As each day brings dramatic new development , I have yet to read or hear of mainstream media and blogs ridiculing her lover in all this.  Yes, I know she’s the star therefore she warrants the media attention.  But with all these “two-cents” that have been spewed at “home-wreckin’ Tasia”, I’m having a hard time finding any comments about how this man has failed his responsibilities as a husband and father.  We have inadvertently given attention to a man who betrayed his vows, wife and kids.  And in today’s reality show happy–any news is good news–I need to make a name for myself world, his stock has basically sky-rocketed while Fantasia’s could plummet.  He’s just as a disgrace as she is because they are both wrong.  And in my opinion, he’s the loser for disappointing his family.  I guarantee this will not be the last we see of this man.  I’m sure he’ll pimp-out his 15 minutes of fame as all media/attention-whores do.

I’m sure Tasia has learned her lesson and is on to a new mission, finding a North Carolina politician to lobby to repeal this law–I’m sure every mistress/jump-off/secret lover in NC will thank her.

//

Things I Need In My Life

13 Jul

I’m a high maintenance person.  I’m the first to admit that.  People just don’t understand I’m just very very particular:  I like my iced water with cucumbers in it–it takes tap water to the next level.  When I go to the bank, the teller has to count all my money back to me with all the bills facing the same direction otherwise I may get distracted by one wayward bill and lose track of how much money I’m receiving and she may try to get me for $5–take it from a former bank employee, $5 from a few unknowing customers is a great side hustle (so I heard).   I despise foreign debris in the butter–makes me gag.  I hate when people put their chewed up gum on their plate–makes me puke.  And I hate using the bar of soap after it’s fell on the shower floor–so I just stick to liquid body soap.

After getting into a fuss with the hubs this morning about how controlling I am I thought to myself: I am not controlling, I just know exactly what I want and how I want it.  I am my happiest when things are going according to my plan.   All I’m saying is happy wife equals happy life, so I made him this list of the things I need in my life:

Bacon every morning–cooked on the griddle, not too crispy and not too fatty.  Thick and hearty is always good.  *wink wink*

A lifetime supply of Christian Louboutin pumps–and not every shoe with a red sole is a CL.

A strapless bra that can defy the gods of gravity and actually secure my boobs properly and securely.  We may actually be able to get somewhere on time if I don’t have to jump, wiggle and shimmy them to the right place.

Flat abs–If  you would cash in your sneaker collection, I would be able to afford that Lipo and tummy tuck I’ve been waiting 5 years for.

Your undivided attention–when I’m telling you about today’s episode of Wife Swap, I would appreciate it if you’d put down the Xbox stick for just one moment and express a little interest in me.  Spend time with me.  Spend quality effing time with me.

Take care of yourself–don’t go longer than one week without a hair cut, get a mani and pedi and read a book.  I will never be convinced video games exercise your mind.

Take care of me–take out the trash, take the dogs (and the kids) out of the house, organize my closet like you’ve so neatly organized yours, flush the toilet and lower the toilet seat after EACH use.

Watch HGTV with me–you may feel motivated to hang my pictures and sconces that have been boxed up since we moved a year and a half ago.

Teach me sports–You get so frustrated when I ask about Kobe’s field goals but if you would just explain the game to me.  Ok, who am I kidding nix this one.  You know I’m not interested.

Most importantly, keep being you.  Am I asking for too much with my little list?!?

Rule of Life #908 It’s not about sweeping her off her feet, it’s about sweeping the kitchen floor so she can catch up on Real Housewives.

Update:  His response:   http://chrisbarnett2.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/your-wish-is-my-to-do-list/

Sex and the Busy Mom

23 Jun

I recently read a poll about how seldom moms have sex.  It’s funny because of all the wisdom and suggestions offered at my baby shower I don’t remember anyone telling me about this devious little secret (the next shower I attend, I’m spilling the beans)!  The poll stated moms want to have sex as often as dad, but it often gets pushed aside and forgotten about–pretty depressing, right?  Sadly, I can attest to having a fleeting libido.  But I’m happy to report, my mojo is on a comeback tour.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

I was so excited when a couple of my friends told me about the “peak” women experience in their late 20’s into their 30’s. My entire 20’s have been dedicated to being a mom and wife. Which is very important but sometimes we miss out on self and forget about the things that once stimulated our nipples minds and bodies.  I’ll be the first to admit, kids will eff up your sex life.  Personally, I felt abandoned by my libido. Going from multiple times a day to being able to count on one hand how many times in one week had me distraught.  I came to gripes with myself when I sat down and wrote my once rambuctious mojo a letter:

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Dear Mo,

I know things haven’t been the same between us lately. I remember when it was all about the ambiance: 112 in the cd player, candles lit, sexy lingerie. Now it’s just “Are we gonna do this or not?”.  Where did we go wrong?  Is it my muffin top?  My thunder thighs?  You know I’ve been working on that for about 6 years now.  Was it the hair cut?  I know you felt like a sex kitten with long hair–I can get a wig!  Was it the lactating boobs?  Hey I had mouths to feed but we’re over that now.  I just want you to come back to me.  As desperate as I sound we really miss you!

Love,

Your former bff

ANY CHARACTER HERE

I recently had a party with dildos, vibrating panties and oils (oh my).  It was fun and entertaining but it reminded me of how important being uninhibited really is.  And how essential it is to have one-on-one time with the hubs–sans the kids!   Most men take it personally when they experience a plunge in their sex life.  In my experience, it wasn’t about him.  It was about the added responsibilities of keeping up with the kids, the house, the pets, the job.  I think I got my first grey hair 4 years ago, yikes I was only twenty–er–nevermind.  So fellas, if you want to get her in the mood try washing dishes, folding clothes, cooking dinner.  Keep the kids out of the bathroom while mom is in the shower.  Tell her to go out with the girls and take a few shots of grey goose let her hair down!   And you’ll see how fast the lingerie comes out of the closet!

Rule of Life #1104 Bitchin’ aint easy and neither is gettin’ your freak on with a house full of kids!

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Some interesting reads:

The Magic Pill That Makes Oral Sex Taste Better

7 Sex Moves to Try in Bed Before You Pop the Female Viagra

My Husband And I Made a Sex Contract