Tag Archives: husband

Venus vs. Mars: What You Won’t Do Another Chick Will Pt I

20 Oct

I don’t ever want to think about what I would do if I ever had to handle infidelity within my marriage.  If history serves me correctly, I tend to get quite psychotic when it comes to my family.  So if there were ever an intruder in my union, please believe she’d be dealt with.  Right after I unleash a WWE style ass kicking on my husband.  My husband and I talk about infidelity once a quarter.  Normally, it’s just a reminder that I’m liable to cause major damage if such a situation arose.

So during our meeting for this quarter he had the audacity to say “Well women won’t have to worry about their men cheating if they are taking care of business.  Nine times out a ten his mistress can teach you something”.  *cue the Xanax-kush-vodka cocktail*  This man has lost his mind!!  But I wanted to indulge him, here’s what he had to say:

“What she’s not willing to do, there’s another woman that’s more than willing.” Whether you want to admit it or not, that saying is 10000% true.  In my opinion, the only way to avoid that other woman is just to do what he asks you to do. As long as he’s willing to fulfill your needs and fantasies, I don’t see a problem with it. If you’re one of those stubborn women that refuse, then chances are that he has a woman on the side that doesn’t have a problem role playing, dressing up, or whatever it is he’s asking you to do. Don’t be mad at him, or her, honestly it’s your fault. You want to know what I would recommend?  What I would recommend doing, take notes from his mistress.  Yes, seriously……take notes. The mistress could suggest a few things that’ll add a firework show to your relationship that you can’t even imagine. Maybe a few things such as:

Role Play – Sometimes we men (at least I have)  dream about getting pulled over by a sexy female cop and getting out of a ticket, or staying after class for some extra credit, etc. There’s nothing wrong with it. It can actually be fun if you get rid of the ‘I’m too good for that’ attitude.   Be that cop, or that teacher for one night and see where it gets you!!!

Get Rid of Those Granny Panties – We don’t want to see that. We grew up wearing tighty whities and granny panties aren’t doing anything except taking us back to our childhood–not where we want to be when it’s time to get it going.  Women know how easily we get excited. Give us something exciting to look at.

Get Those Sexy Underwear and Walk Around Them – This goes back to what I said in the last paragraph. Eye candy is always great! It’s even better because we get to watch you walk that walk that turns us on, hips switching from side to side.

Send Him Naughty Text Messages and Pics – This will keep his mind on you all day.  Things gets bored as hell in that office all day.  Sending him a sexy text message to let him know what to expect after work would put a huge smile on his face! So will sending him a picture of what’s waiting for him after work. On that same note, don’t refrain from continuing any conversation that your text message may start. There’s no point of starting something you’re not willing to finish.

Give Head – Nothing irritates him more than hearing “I don’t feel like it!!” There’s no reason not to. A mistress has NO PROBLEM DOING IT!!! At home, in the kitchen, in the car, at the movies, in the changing room, it doesn’t matter. Just do it!!

Not to say I have a mistress that does this for me–but even if I did–what me and the nanny does is nobody’s business!!!! Anyway ladies, you have 2 options; either keep him happy or learn from your man’s mistress.

While he had some valid points, I smell male dominance all over this piece.  Is this really how our men think of us?  If the woman doesn’t act right on to the next one?! First off, the assertion that a mistress would even be an option speaks to the greed and entitlement men feed into.  Clearly there needs to be two parts to this complex controversy.  Part II coming soon.

There’s a Panty Thief on the Loose

15 Jul

There is clearly a panty thief on the loose and he seems to be jacking me for my granny panties.  Every time I get out of the shower I rummage through my drawer looking for just the right pair.  And every time my selection looks a littler skimpier and sexier.  All of my cotton, nylon and cover your cheeks panties are gone.  Just vanished.  This has been happening for some time now so I decided to investigate.  I questioned my first suspect the other night:

Me:  Hey, have you seen any of my boy shorts, hip huggers or briefs?

The hubs: Naw, I haven’t.  But maybe you should put these on.  (holds up a thread of string that should only be worn when going half on a baby)

Me: *scoffs* You are so predictable.  I don’t want to wear those.  I just bought some new boy shorts the other day.  Are they in the dryer?

(I go to the laundry room and look for my panties.  When I come back, the hubs is nowhere to be found but he has so politely pull out yet another pair of undies–this time with lace and ruffles–and has laid them on the bed)

Me:  (I hunt him down) Look I know you’re doing something with my underwear and I don’t appreciate it…Since when do we tell each other what to wear?  That’s oppression.  You are trying to control me and you know I am a woman who can not be tamed.  (I have to inject my feminist perspective on this)

The hubs: (bewildered)  Babe, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  What reason would I have to get rid of your panties?

(Wha—is he really asking me this question with this dumbfounded look on his face?  As if his initial antics weren’t evidence enough to support my suspicions).  Here’s the problem, I think I set the bar too high and he got spoiled.  In our younger years we would frequently go to VS and splurge on undies.  I won’t lie, there is a sexiness that comes with wearing a naughty pair of panties, and not to mention the sleekness of not having panty lines bulging through your wardrobe.  But after a couple of pregnancies, one episiotomy and a horrible case of hemorrhoids, thong undies were the last thing on my mind.  So I started wearing nice, but no so sexy ones–comfort was my goal.

Apparently this hasn’t fared well with the hubs.  I guess our spontaneous and recent stops to Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood have gone under my radar because I always came out of those stores with a new bra or fragrance, but no panties. So when desperate times call for desperate measures the hubs will use any means necessary to get his point across.  Even if it means being a thief in the night and rearranging my panty drawer–though he vehemently denies these accusations.

Rule of Life #1257  Granny panties are one of the top things men hate.  Evidently, panties mean alot to the opposite species, because they’re willing to do the most outlandish things to ensure you wear just the right ones.

Monday Potluck

14 Jun

What What, a blog post that’s entirely created to random thoughts and ideas.  Now that’s my type of post.  This is my first potluck and it took me one week to read and re-read what this is exactly about.  I think I got it!  Just make up my own random stuff and post.  So here goes:

Hi, my name is Queen B and I’m the queen of bitchin’.  Those who know me know that I can’t cook, therefore I’m bringing boiled eggs to the potluck.  Hope you enjoy ’em!

What the hell was I thinking taking all three of my girls grocery shopping.  Midway into shopping the twins got fidgety and restless, so I did what any mother would do to shut them up.  I got a bananana out of the basket, peeled it and gave it to them to eat.  Much to the dismay of their 6-year-old big sister:

“Are you going to pay for that” she asked.

“Well yes I am, don’t you see I have the bananas in the basket” I replied.

“I don’t know how you’re going to pay for the ones they eat.  You know what’s that called right?” she proceeded.

I know where she’s going with this conversation but I try to ignore her.  “What kind of cereal do you want?” I attempted to change the topic.

“Fruit loops.  I want you to know if you let them eat those bananas and you don’t pay first, that’s called stealing.  Mema said we don’t steal.  Jesus does not like stealers”  she ranted.

I replied, “You are absolutely right, but if you don’t tell anyone about the bananas, I won’t tell anyone  about the bag of hot fries you’re chomping on!” We shake hands and it’s a deal.

I’ve got to start keeping an extra supply of batteries in the house.  Sweetness had company and her friend wanted to play with her leapster but the batteries in it were dead.  To keep the happiness going (because you know how quickly playtime with 5 & 6 year old girls can turn for the worst) I ran to “moms secret chest” and got some batteries out of  one of my “personal” gadgets.  Before you judge, It doesn’t matter where the batteries came from, all that’s important is that mom saved the day!!

My poor husband being the minority species, finds solace in basketball, xbox and “daddy time”.  He just can’t catch a break.  Even our dogs are bitches.

Don’t people know that CONVERSATE is not a word!  It drives me nuts when people say this word. Please correct them if you hear this word being used!

I know my cookings is bad, but what does it mean when the dogs won’t even eat my scrambled eggs?

While cleaning her room, I realized my sweetness hoarded my lip glosses in her capri sun backpack.  She was like a mobile cosmetic counter at school.  Wonder what her hustle will be now that school is over?

Shoutout to Hwillmama for encouraging me to participate and June Cleaver Nirvana for starting this silliness and for the how-to’s and the badges!