Tag Archives: advice

Things I Need In My Life

13 Jul

I’m a high maintenance person.  I’m the first to admit that.  People just don’t understand I’m just very very particular:  I like my iced water with cucumbers in it–it takes tap water to the next level.  When I go to the bank, the teller has to count all my money back to me with all the bills facing the same direction otherwise I may get distracted by one wayward bill and lose track of how much money I’m receiving and she may try to get me for $5–take it from a former bank employee, $5 from a few unknowing customers is a great side hustle (so I heard).   I despise foreign debris in the butter–makes me gag.  I hate when people put their chewed up gum on their plate–makes me puke.  And I hate using the bar of soap after it’s fell on the shower floor–so I just stick to liquid body soap.

After getting into a fuss with the hubs this morning about how controlling I am I thought to myself: I am not controlling, I just know exactly what I want and how I want it.  I am my happiest when things are going according to my plan.   All I’m saying is happy wife equals happy life, so I made him this list of the things I need in my life:

Bacon every morning–cooked on the griddle, not too crispy and not too fatty.  Thick and hearty is always good.  *wink wink*

A lifetime supply of Christian Louboutin pumps–and not every shoe with a red sole is a CL.

A strapless bra that can defy the gods of gravity and actually secure my boobs properly and securely.  We may actually be able to get somewhere on time if I don’t have to jump, wiggle and shimmy them to the right place.

Flat abs–If  you would cash in your sneaker collection, I would be able to afford that Lipo and tummy tuck I’ve been waiting 5 years for.

Your undivided attention–when I’m telling you about today’s episode of Wife Swap, I would appreciate it if you’d put down the Xbox stick for just one moment and express a little interest in me.  Spend time with me.  Spend quality effing time with me.

Take care of yourself–don’t go longer than one week without a hair cut, get a mani and pedi and read a book.  I will never be convinced video games exercise your mind.

Take care of me–take out the trash, take the dogs (and the kids) out of the house, organize my closet like you’ve so neatly organized yours, flush the toilet and lower the toilet seat after EACH use.

Watch HGTV with me–you may feel motivated to hang my pictures and sconces that have been boxed up since we moved a year and a half ago.

Teach me sports–You get so frustrated when I ask about Kobe’s field goals but if you would just explain the game to me.  Ok, who am I kidding nix this one.  You know I’m not interested.

Most importantly, keep being you.  Am I asking for too much with my little list?!?

Rule of Life #908 It’s not about sweeping her off her feet, it’s about sweeping the kitchen floor so she can catch up on Real Housewives.

Update:  His response:   http://chrisbarnett2.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/your-wish-is-my-to-do-list/

Confessions of a Not-So-Perfect Mom

8 Jul

On a number of occasions, I’ve given sweets tylenol pm when she didn’t have a fever but I needed her to get to sleep–sooner rather than later.

My girls think mimosa means “mom juice”.

During my all-day lifetime movie marathons, I give the kids cereal, capri suns, fruit roll ups and crayons to keep them from bothering me.

I taught my 6-year-old how to change diapers, fill sippy cups and warm food in the microwave so I can sleep in on the weekends.

I catch up on “business” while the kids are running wild and destroying the house.  When I say business that really means I’m on Twitter.

I play Yo Gabba Gabba to distract the kids when the hubs in I are in the bedroom having sex.

On a few occasions, I’ve used sweets allowance money to order pizza.

Twice, I didn’t send sweets to school because she had a midday hair appointment.

I’ve parked in handicap parking not because I’m disabled but because I didn’t feel like carrying two car seats from the back of the parking lot.

I tell businesses that my 4ft 2in 6-year-old is actually 3 so she can be admitted for free.

I substitute Juicy Juice and Pediasure for actual fruit and vegetable consumption.

I still have, but never paid for sweets school pictures from last year.

I enjoy throwing caution to the wind and making up my own parenting rules as I go along.  Who’s nominating me for the mother of the year award this year?

Rule of Life #412 Being a perfect mom is so overrated.  Bad is the new good.