Close Encounters of the Crackhead Kind

5 Aug

Have you ever been in such close proximity to a crackhead that you felt uncomfortable, scared or just plain nervous?  And I’m not talking about that resident addict in your family (cause I have one too–what’s up aunt pookie) I’m talking about a possibly irrational crackhead fresh off the street.

Well I have and boy was it an experience. After getting my hair done I stopped in Popeye’s to get some chicken–I had just spent 3 hours in the beauty shop and looked too pretty to be slaving over a stove. I go in, order and like 88% of my Popeye’s experiences I’m waiting for some fresh chicken because apparently they ran out chicken, *insert shrug here* I’m sure it’s happened to you.

Anyway some crackhead (CH) came into the restaurant and decided to sit at the same table as me. Before I could look up from texting I immediately smelled a pungent concoction of musk and whiskey; then I see these blood-shot red eyes beaming down on me. I got nervous. So I stood up to move out the way because I was in between the CH and the window–I was cornered.

When I tried to move he lifted his arm and whispered “No, you don’t have to go. Stay right there.” I thought: “Oh boy, I don’t need this shit right now. I just got my hair done. I’m ready to go home and pop open some wine and enjoy this nice meal! WTF…where’s a taser when you need one”. Clearly there was a look of  sheer panic on my face. The cashier noticed my distress and she yelled:

“Derrick, Craig is messing with Anya” (Yes, I patronize Popeye’s so much they know me by my first name in fact they know my whole family)

Derrick, the manager of the restaurant, responded to the call for help by rushing to the front of the store and yelled:

“No, Craig! OUT! You do not mess with her. Get out now!”

To which Craig, the CH, obliged and walked outside with Derrick. Clearly Craig is a repeat offender but this time he crossed the line by messing with me (Popeye’s takes care of their VIP’s–don’t be jealous) you could see them outside arguing back and forth and then they both came back in. Craig yelled:


At this point I’m at the counter getting my food bagged up. I was so ready to go I almost told them to just throw the chicken pieces in my purse so I could leave. Forget a box, bag, condiments and anything else. I was ready to get the hell out of there. As I was leaving I saw Craig following behind me, so I rushed to my car. As I opened the car door, the CH turned in the opposite direction and ran down the street with lighting fast speed, I mean you would have thought this dude was Usain Bolt as fast as he was running.

Relieved all imminent danger had ceased, I sat in the car, looked in my rear view mirror and watched this man sprint down the street and all I could do was laugh. This silly fool had me so scared and now he’s running down the street in 105 degree weather without a destination. I was so drained from the roller coaster of emotions I just experienced I couldn’t wait to get to my house–my mother and little bro were there babysitting my kids–to tell about my encounter.

So I walk into the house, chicken in tow, and tried to explain:

Me: Hey you won’t believe what just happened to me. I was just hemmed up in Popeye’s by a crackhead.

My little bro: For real? Where’s my chicken nuggets? Did you get me barbecue sauce? (All he can think about after I tell him I almost got assaulted is his damn chicken nuggets?)

I attempt to tell the story.

Me: …Yes ma this crackhead tried to attack me (of course the story has to be exaggerated and dramatically re-enacted) and hemmed me into a corner and Derrick the manager yelled “Chris, no not her”!

Ma: (In her notoriously nonchalant tone) Oh Chris the crackhead was messing with you? Yeah he’s up there all the time–you’ll be alright. Not to change the subject but your hair looks fierce!

Wha-what the heck is going on here? Did anyone not notice I was almost battered, could have been carjacked and kidnapped by a crackhead? Apparently no one in my family cared…I’m just glad I survived unscathed and in tact…and with a fierce hair do.


One Response to “Close Encounters of the Crackhead Kind”

  1. miniskirtmama August 12, 2010 at 12:14 am #

    Girl, you should’ve posted a picture of your fierce do’! I’m sure it was rockin’…did you get it done a Paul Mitchell? LOL J/K. And I know about CH’s. I used to encounter them on all the time when I worked at Holy. Oh and lastly, don’t go to Church’s, you might run into another northside CH – Stinky (streetname) aka Marshall.

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