There’s a Panty Thief on the Loose

15 Jul

There is clearly a panty thief on the loose and he seems to be jacking me for my granny panties.  Every time I get out of the shower I rummage through my drawer looking for just the right pair.  And every time my selection looks a littler skimpier and sexier.  All of my cotton, nylon and cover your cheeks panties are gone.  Just vanished.  This has been happening for some time now so I decided to investigate.  I questioned my first suspect the other night:

Me:  Hey, have you seen any of my boy shorts, hip huggers or briefs?

The hubs: Naw, I haven’t.  But maybe you should put these on.  (holds up a thread of string that should only be worn when going half on a baby)

Me: *scoffs* You are so predictable.  I don’t want to wear those.  I just bought some new boy shorts the other day.  Are they in the dryer?

(I go to the laundry room and look for my panties.  When I come back, the hubs is nowhere to be found but he has so politely pull out yet another pair of undies–this time with lace and ruffles–and has laid them on the bed)

Me:  (I hunt him down) Look I know you’re doing something with my underwear and I don’t appreciate it…Since when do we tell each other what to wear?  That’s oppression.  You are trying to control me and you know I am a woman who can not be tamed.  (I have to inject my feminist perspective on this)

The hubs: (bewildered)  Babe, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  What reason would I have to get rid of your panties?

(Wha—is he really asking me this question with this dumbfounded look on his face?  As if his initial antics weren’t evidence enough to support my suspicions).  Here’s the problem, I think I set the bar too high and he got spoiled.  In our younger years we would frequently go to VS and splurge on undies.  I won’t lie, there is a sexiness that comes with wearing a naughty pair of panties, and not to mention the sleekness of not having panty lines bulging through your wardrobe.  But after a couple of pregnancies, one episiotomy and a horrible case of hemorrhoids, thong undies were the last thing on my mind.  So I started wearing nice, but no so sexy ones–comfort was my goal.

Apparently this hasn’t fared well with the hubs.  I guess our spontaneous and recent stops to Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood have gone under my radar because I always came out of those stores with a new bra or fragrance, but no panties. So when desperate times call for desperate measures the hubs will use any means necessary to get his point across.  Even if it means being a thief in the night and rearranging my panty drawer–though he vehemently denies these accusations.

Rule of Life #1257  Granny panties are one of the top things men hate.  Evidently, panties mean alot to the opposite species, because they’re willing to do the most outlandish things to ensure you wear just the right ones.


One Response to “There’s a Panty Thief on the Loose”

  1. miniskirtmama July 15, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    Girl, I don’t know if I’ve just dealt with desperate men or those who care less about my panties…and more about what’s…well in them. Anyway, I’ve only had a few questions about my comfy cottons – is what I like to call them – mainly, “Can I take them off?” LOL!

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