Things I Need In My Life

13 Jul

I’m a high maintenance person.  I’m the first to admit that.  People just don’t understand I’m just very very particular:  I like my iced water with cucumbers in it–it takes tap water to the next level.  When I go to the bank, the teller has to count all my money back to me with all the bills facing the same direction otherwise I may get distracted by one wayward bill and lose track of how much money I’m receiving and she may try to get me for $5–take it from a former bank employee, $5 from a few unknowing customers is a great side hustle (so I heard).   I despise foreign debris in the butter–makes me gag.  I hate when people put their chewed up gum on their plate–makes me puke.  And I hate using the bar of soap after it’s fell on the shower floor–so I just stick to liquid body soap.

After getting into a fuss with the hubs this morning about how controlling I am I thought to myself: I am not controlling, I just know exactly what I want and how I want it.  I am my happiest when things are going according to my plan.   All I’m saying is happy wife equals happy life, so I made him this list of the things I need in my life:

Bacon every morning–cooked on the griddle, not too crispy and not too fatty.  Thick and hearty is always good.  *wink wink*

A lifetime supply of Christian Louboutin pumps–and not every shoe with a red sole is a CL.

A strapless bra that can defy the gods of gravity and actually secure my boobs properly and securely.  We may actually be able to get somewhere on time if I don’t have to jump, wiggle and shimmy them to the right place.

Flat abs–If  you would cash in your sneaker collection, I would be able to afford that Lipo and tummy tuck I’ve been waiting 5 years for.

Your undivided attention–when I’m telling you about today’s episode of Wife Swap, I would appreciate it if you’d put down the Xbox stick for just one moment and express a little interest in me.  Spend time with me.  Spend quality effing time with me.

Take care of yourself–don’t go longer than one week without a hair cut, get a mani and pedi and read a book.  I will never be convinced video games exercise your mind.

Take care of me–take out the trash, take the dogs (and the kids) out of the house, organize my closet like you’ve so neatly organized yours, flush the toilet and lower the toilet seat after EACH use.

Watch HGTV with me–you may feel motivated to hang my pictures and sconces that have been boxed up since we moved a year and a half ago.

Teach me sports–You get so frustrated when I ask about Kobe’s field goals but if you would just explain the game to me.  Ok, who am I kidding nix this one.  You know I’m not interested.

Most importantly, keep being you.  Am I asking for too much with my little list?!?

Rule of Life #908 It’s not about sweeping her off her feet, it’s about sweeping the kitchen floor so she can catch up on Real Housewives.

Update:  His response:


6 Responses to “Things I Need In My Life”

  1. Lindsay O'Quinn July 13, 2010 at 5:41 pm #

    such a diva lol

  2. Ashbell July 13, 2010 at 5:44 pm #

    Yay a new post by my favorite blogger!! “spend some quality effing time with me” hahaha I love that stand-up….and i AGREE with the bacon and XBOX comments..and about the flat abs, I can get u that girl!! =)..Love u!!

  3. Chris Barnett July 13, 2010 at 6:24 pm #

    You inspire me………

    I’ll have to write a blog now and respond.

    • bitchinainteasy July 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm #

      bwhahaha wow, i made the hubs come out of blogging retirement.

  4. miniskirtmama July 13, 2010 at 9:29 pm #

    OMG! I LOVE IT! The hubs & wife blogging is GREAT! Sister you are high maintenance, but what one of my frieds isn’t – hey, that’s why we are friends right? We settle for nothing less than the best. LOVES!


  1. Your Wish Is My………… To Do List | The Barnett Report - July 14, 2010

    […] why we get fussed at, it just happens). Anyway, she decided to write a very good blog post about what she needs in her life. I can’t lie, her blog is a lot more entertaining than mine will ever be. Do I love my wife? Yes […]

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