Archive | June, 2010

Cocktail Playdates

30 Jun

It”s mid-day and already I have happy hour on my mind.  And I’m also getting excited about going out with my partners-in-crime and having a drink tonight. Then thinking about coming home and getting chocolate wasted while the hubs plays Xbox.  My blood type is pinot noir and drinking is my vice.  There I said it!  You won’t ever see me on the ‘Moms Who Drink’ episode of Dr. Phil, although I love watching other people’s dysfunction hilariously unfold on  TV, while secretly rejoicing that my life hasn’t gotten bad enough to invite Dr. Phil to analyze and castigate me (this is a lie, I just haven’t heard back from the show’s producers).  When the Today Show did this piece on whether happy hour and play dates should mix, my response was “Uh, everyone mom knows forget the playdate, put those kids to sleep and pop open that bubbly, duh.”

As you would imagine, many have something to say about this topic.  People who oppose drinking around kids cite the negative example mothers are setting for their kids as role models, the issues with driving from your playdate after indulging, and the possibility of dependency that may develop.  Those who see no problem with it claim it’s only one or two glasses of wine being consumed (WHAT!!  You mean no one is taking Patron shots?) and it exposes kids to responsible drinking.  There has been extensive blogging and media coverage on this controversial topic. Don’t be shocked by my stance but I’m not for or against cocktail playdates.  When it comes to the hubs and I, in every instance there was drinking in a social atmosphere and our kiddos were around, one of us refrained from drinking.  What can I say, it just works for us raging alcoholics.

Faginers, Pews and Potlucks (Oh My!)

28 Jun

I need a reality show seriously.  What better way to make my kids proud then to document our pure and chaotic dysfunction!  Maybe the hubs and I should use the cameracorder for things other than bedroom antics.  I kid I kid…

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We went to brunch Sunday after church and of course sweetness had to go to the restroom.  Because she knows I get psychotic about public restrooms, she waits until the absolute last mintue before telling me she has to “use it”.  So we rush off to the restroom because I know I’ve got 56 seconds before we have a major issue.  Once in there she normally waits for me to wipe down the toilet seat with soap, dry it off and line it.  But I guess she was in such a hurry that she decided to do it herself. As I turn around from locking the door,  I see sweetness using her bare hand to brush some toilet paper crumbs off the seat and into the bowl.  I screamed:

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  What the hel–hillaryduff are you doing?! (I didn’t want to curse just yet, I try to wait until at least a couple hours after leaving church)

Sweetness: What?

Me:  What are you doing?!?!  You never EVER touch anything on a toilet seat with your bare hands. You don’t know where that came from.  It probably came out of someone’s crevice.  Can you imagine the germs that you just transmitted to your hands?!

Sweetness: Crescent? Like the moon?

Me: (Me and my odd words) No honey, not like the moon.  Crevice.

Sweetness:  What’s that?  Is it a dirty place?

Me: (annoyed with myself that I opened this can of worms I begin to backtrack) Um, well it’s a place like a hole and yes it can be a dirty dirty place.  And in this instance we’re going to pretend that it is a dirty place.  That’s why we need to clean the toilet with soap and paper towel before we sit on it.

Sweetness: (doing the potty dance because I made her wash her dirty little hands before “using it”) Can you please tell me what kind of place could be so dirty?

Me: (why did I raise this inquisitive child?  I need to stop encouraging her to ask questions because it’s putting me in tough situations) Look girl it probably came out of someone’s vagina!

Sweetness: (finally she’s sitting on the toilet) Faginer?  (pronounced: fah-jy-ner) What’s a faginer?

Me: (we call It a princess in our house because you are expected to treat It like royalty) Your Princess.  The scientific name is vagina.  Got it?

Sweetness: Yea I do.  (the lightbulb clicks on) Eww that is gross if I touch something that came out of someone’s Princess faginer.

Me: Riiiight!!!! I’m so glad it clicked!

Sweetness: You’re glad what clicked?

Me: Nevermind, finish up so we can get out of here.

**We exit the restroom, her feeling relieved and me feeling stressed because I know this conversation is not over.

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Clearly by the above post you can gather I am somewhat of a germ freak.  So imagine my disgust when I see a woman in church sitting on the pew in front of me changing her grandson’s diaper ON THE PEW as if it was some cozy little changing table.  If we can’t chew gum in the sanctuary then by golly it should be illegal to change a dirty diaper in it too.

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I wanted to go get a mani and pedi over the weekend.  And because I wanted a brand new full set of fake (as sweetness says) nails I peeled off my old set one-by-freaking-one.  Talk about pain!  While peeling, I riped one nail straight down the middle of the nail–there was blood, pain and LOTS of cursing–OUCH!  My thumbnails are so brittle I can’t even text message on my cell phone.  And the rest of my nails feel like they’re on fire!!!  If you ever want to torture someone, just pull off their finger nails one-by-freaking-one.  There’s no greater pain the the world!

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Oh yea sweetness is working “faginer” into everything under the sun (and sea):

Sweetness: Does Sandy from Spongenbob have a faginer?  And do you think it’s dirty or clean since she’s underwater all the time?

Rule of life#1709 A lady always makes sure her faginer is protected from all outside elements.  Even if she lives under the sea!

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Last week I shouted her out as June haha, but really her name is Texas Holly!! Sorry Holly, thanx for not unleashing the blog hounds on me;)

Sex and the Busy Mom

23 Jun

I recently read a poll about how seldom moms have sex.  It’s funny because of all the wisdom and suggestions offered at my baby shower I don’t remember anyone telling me about this devious little secret (the next shower I attend, I’m spilling the beans)!  The poll stated moms want to have sex as often as dad, but it often gets pushed aside and forgotten about–pretty depressing, right?  Sadly, I can attest to having a fleeting libido.  But I’m happy to report, my mojo is on a comeback tour.

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I was so excited when a couple of my friends told me about the “peak” women experience in their late 20’s into their 30’s. My entire 20’s have been dedicated to being a mom and wife. Which is very important but sometimes we miss out on self and forget about the things that once stimulated our nipples minds and bodies.  I’ll be the first to admit, kids will eff up your sex life.  Personally, I felt abandoned by my libido. Going from multiple times a day to being able to count on one hand how many times in one week had me distraught.  I came to gripes with myself when I sat down and wrote my once rambuctious mojo a letter:

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Dear Mo,

I know things haven’t been the same between us lately. I remember when it was all about the ambiance: 112 in the cd player, candles lit, sexy lingerie. Now it’s just “Are we gonna do this or not?”.  Where did we go wrong?  Is it my muffin top?  My thunder thighs?  You know I’ve been working on that for about 6 years now.  Was it the hair cut?  I know you felt like a sex kitten with long hair–I can get a wig!  Was it the lactating boobs?  Hey I had mouths to feed but we’re over that now.  I just want you to come back to me.  As desperate as I sound we really miss you!

Love,

Your former bff

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I recently had a party with dildos, vibrating panties and oils (oh my).  It was fun and entertaining but it reminded me of how important being uninhibited really is.  And how essential it is to have one-on-one time with the hubs–sans the kids!   Most men take it personally when they experience a plunge in their sex life.  In my experience, it wasn’t about him.  It was about the added responsibilities of keeping up with the kids, the house, the pets, the job.  I think I got my first grey hair 4 years ago, yikes I was only twenty–er–nevermind.  So fellas, if you want to get her in the mood try washing dishes, folding clothes, cooking dinner.  Keep the kids out of the bathroom while mom is in the shower.  Tell her to go out with the girls and take a few shots of grey goose let her hair down!   And you’ll see how fast the lingerie comes out of the closet!

Rule of Life #1104 Bitchin’ aint easy and neither is gettin’ your freak on with a house full of kids!

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Some interesting reads:

The Magic Pill That Makes Oral Sex Taste Better

7 Sex Moves to Try in Bed Before You Pop the Female Viagra

My Husband And I Made a Sex Contract

Mojitos for the Potluck

21 Jun

This past week my life has consisted of drama and controversy!  I am ready to tackle it.  Head on, with a martini glass in hand!

I made me a cocktail every night last week after my sweetnesses went to bed.  And then got pissed because I had to wake up at 6:30 am.  Reasoning you ask? What can I say, I have a stressful job!  Not to mention it was just one of those weeks.  Truth be told, all day today I dreamt about happy hour.

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Our grass is growing so high it looks like I’m growing something illegal (I wish) in the backyard.  The man who we hired to cut our grass claims we owe him money, but according to my records he owes us a cut. When it comes to my business, I am a shark!  It’s hard to prove fallacies with me!  So we’re in dispute over who owes who.  Little does he know it’s his loss.  I’ll just find a crackhead to hire in the interim who will do the same job.  Sorry to be so unethical but it’s all about the cheap labor folks!

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My sweetness told me about how her 8-year-old cousin was at day camp pretending to smoke a cigarette.  She demonstrated with her dry erase marker (puffs and all) and I became outraged!

Shouldn’t I be the one breaking in her first smoke?!  I kid.  I kid,  but seriously, I want to be the one to tell her about all the risqué things going on in life!  So I capitalized on the opportunity:

Me: Do you want to be known as the girl who smokes cigarettes with stinky breath and yellow teeth?

Sweetness:  No, eww gross.  Besides I have baby teeth and everyone knows baby teeth don’t turn yellow.  And I’ll just eat a cough drop for my bad breath.  (geez, she’s caught on to my “church breath” cure.  And is she trying to justify smoking?)

Me: (startled she has comebacks, so I have to step my game up) Listen, any kid who thinks smoking is cool will have rotten teeth, bad breath and the tooth fairy will haunt you in your dreams.  You don’t want the tooth fairy to be against you, do you?

Sweetness: (slightly crying) No ma’am.

Me: Well you better not ever smoke!  I mean never!  Ever!

end of discussion. enters dad (the wise  grasshopper of the two) to rectify the situation.

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VBS: Vacation Bible School.  I hate to be the one to admit it but I’m so happy my kids have a place to go after day camp!

Rule of Life #208 Don’t be so serious about stuff.  You’ll miss that the joke is really on you!

Thanks June, the originator and creator!!  What would this potluck be without you?!?!?!

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Go Ahead Make His {Father’s} Day

20 Jun

I felt so bad because the hubby got up early this morning to make us breakfast.  So I sent sweetness into the kitchen to help him cook so I could get a few extra minutes of  sleep (what who said moms should be left out of the father’s day equation?).  I joke and call him the best baby’s daddy a babymama could ask for, but we’re more than a ghetto fabulous love story and he’s more than a man for me!  He’s the perfect husband for me and he’s the perfect father for our children.  He makes me want to break out in song and dance *cue the biz markie beat*  “Oh baby yooooou.  yooooou got what I neeeeeddd…”

The girls w/ Papi..the first love of my life

Both of us were raised my our grandfathers because our donors were dead beats. losers. shallow.  unreliable.  creeps.  You could say the morals and values instilled in him by his grandfather and the care and concern instilled in me by my grandfather (photo’d to the right) created the perfect definition of what and how a father should be for his kids.

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I may bitch about them and they may ruin my designer shoes (still haven’t gotten over that) but he gave me three of the most adorable munchkins I could ask for! And he provides for us more than we can think or ask… Now that’s a good man…I feel another song coming on *cue salt-n-pepa* “Whatta man whatta man whatta man what a mighty good man”  But seriously.  I know what my kids have is rare and precious especially within the Black community.  But together we are making it and we find solace in our special union we created.

Rule of Life #246 Enjoy each other while you can.  Today is the present–treat it as such.

Father's Day 2010

Father's Day 2010

Father's Day 2010

One Contact and One Hell of a Week

19 Jun

I’ve suffered from headaches all week.  I waited until I was down to one contact–not one pair but one contact–before ordering a new supply.  When I finally decided to order I was advised by my eye doctor’s office that I needed an eye exam first.  So I convinced myself I had no time for doctors appointments and I came up with the genius idea to wear one contact until the weekend when I had time to go without the kids.  Bad f*cking idea.  And of course I couldn’t find my glasses to hold me over and so this started my blur of a week.  Monday started off with a tolerable but slight headache.  Nothing a few motrin and cup of coffee couldn’t handle.  By mid-week I was in the crappiest of moods.  I was snappy, bitchy and delusional.  While attempting to watch TV, I mistook Eddie Murphy for Reggie Bush and during naptime I thought I changed it to the music and more channel but realized 30 minutes later it was actually soft core porn.  What the hell have I done?  I know my sweetness will be talking about this in counseling next week.

Finally the weekend is here and I’m up early to make an appointment at Lens Crafters (not my regular eye doctor).

ME: “I’d like to get in there ASAP for an eye exam, to order contacts and I will be needing a sample pair.  Um, did say ASAP?”

LC: “Yes you did.  I have 12:30 or 4:30.”

ME: “I’ll take 12:30.”

LC: “Can I have your insurance info?”

ME: “Sure, it’s blah blah blah and my ID number is…”

LC: “Sorry to interrupt but because your insurance is closed on the weekends there’s no way we can verify your benefits.  You will be required to pay the cost out of pocket.”

I proceed to go into some tirade about how the health care system is failing me and somehow I know the BP Oil spill has something to do with this.  (Did I mention I’ve been delusional?)

ME: “I’ll see you at 12:30”

I apologized to her, hung up and popped some pills.

I tormented that poor woman for nothing because I didn’t even make my appointment because our Saturday morning activities ran over.  As I am posting this I am still without contacts and still with a headache.  Guess who will be at the eye doctor first thing Monday morning…ain’t nothing keeping me from this appointment!

Rule of Life #200 When it comes to your health, don’t be an idiot and push it to the back burner because it will come back to bite you in the a^$!

Monday Potluck

14 Jun

What What, a blog post that’s entirely created to random thoughts and ideas.  Now that’s my type of post.  This is my first potluck and it took me one week to read and re-read what this is exactly about.  I think I got it!  Just make up my own random stuff and post.  So here goes:

Hi, my name is Queen B and I’m the queen of bitchin’.  Those who know me know that I can’t cook, therefore I’m bringing boiled eggs to the potluck.  Hope you enjoy ’em!

What the hell was I thinking taking all three of my girls grocery shopping.  Midway into shopping the twins got fidgety and restless, so I did what any mother would do to shut them up.  I got a bananana out of the basket, peeled it and gave it to them to eat.  Much to the dismay of their 6-year-old big sister:

“Are you going to pay for that” she asked.

“Well yes I am, don’t you see I have the bananas in the basket” I replied.

“I don’t know how you’re going to pay for the ones they eat.  You know what’s that called right?” she proceeded.

I know where she’s going with this conversation but I try to ignore her.  “What kind of cereal do you want?” I attempted to change the topic.

“Fruit loops.  I want you to know if you let them eat those bananas and you don’t pay first, that’s called stealing.  Mema said we don’t steal.  Jesus does not like stealers”  she ranted.

I replied, “You are absolutely right, but if you don’t tell anyone about the bananas, I won’t tell anyone  about the bag of hot fries you’re chomping on!” We shake hands and it’s a deal.

I’ve got to start keeping an extra supply of batteries in the house.  Sweetness had company and her friend wanted to play with her leapster but the batteries in it were dead.  To keep the happiness going (because you know how quickly playtime with 5 & 6 year old girls can turn for the worst) I ran to “moms secret chest” and got some batteries out of  one of my “personal” gadgets.  Before you judge, It doesn’t matter where the batteries came from, all that’s important is that mom saved the day!!

My poor husband being the minority species, finds solace in basketball, xbox and “daddy time”.  He just can’t catch a break.  Even our dogs are bitches.

Don’t people know that CONVERSATE is not a word!  It drives me nuts when people say this word. Please correct them if you hear this word being used!

I know my cookings is bad, but what does it mean when the dogs won’t even eat my scrambled eggs?

While cleaning her room, I realized my sweetness hoarded my lip glosses in her capri sun backpack.  She was like a mobile cosmetic counter at school.  Wonder what her hustle will be now that school is over?

Shoutout to Hwillmama for encouraging me to participate and June Cleaver Nirvana for starting this silliness and for the how-to’s and the badges!

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