Wrap Beef

There are some things that women do that’s necessary for them to stay fab and beautiful.  It may not look appealing and it may seem ridiculous, but men need to know that it’s necessary for these things to be done.  Case in point…I spend $30-$40 every two weeks to get my hair done.  To preserve my luscious locks and to make my hair style last, I wear a satin scarf or bonnet on my head.  I wear it on my “narci” days, when I’m cleaning and when I give my kids a bath (you don’t know the level of pissed one can be when her kids splash bath water on her mane).   I take a lot of pride in my hair.  This is nothing new, I’ve done it for years.  However just recently it was brought to my attention that my hair wraps are sort of a buzz kill in the bedroom.  As I was getting ready for bed one night I attempted to spark a pretty random convo that was the perfect setup for the hubs to get him some that night.  I just knew he was gonna make me feel special…um yea right:

Me (while getting ready for bed): What do you love about me?

Him: Your dedication to that thing on your head.

(baffled because I was waiting for him to talk about my flawless beauty or the way my legs look in my Jessica Simpson pumps–yes this convo was initiated from a very narcissistic place)

Me: Wait–What?  You mean my scarf?

Him: Yep.

Me: What don’t you like about my scarf, I’ve always worn it to bed.

Him: Yep. That’s the problem.

You see, although I take pride in my appearance, my nighttime habits were affecting my relationship.  My husband had beef with my head-wraps.  Men are apparently visual creatures.  The sight of us looking like Aunt Jemima just isn’t attractive or romantic to them.  And while some of us have strict bedroom rules when it comes to our manes (i.e., don’t pull too hard and nothing in the hair *wink wink*) sometimes we need to be snapped back to reality and reminded that not only should we look fly for ourselves, but also for our man.  While I can’t promise to never wear it to bed (who wants their hair to look frizzy and raggedy the next day?) I can compromise by holding off from putting it on…for a few minutes.

Venus vs. Mars: What You Won’t Do Another Chick Will Pt I

I don’t ever want to think about what I would do if I ever had to handle infidelity within my marriage.  If history serves me correctly, I tend to get quite psychotic when it comes to my family.  So if there were ever an intruder in my union, please believe she’d be dealt with.  Right after I unleash a WWE style ass kicking on my husband.  My husband and I talk about infidelity once a quarter.  Normally, it’s just a reminder that I’m liable to cause major damage if such a situation arose.

So during our meeting for this quarter he had the audacity to say “Well women won’t have to worry about their men cheating if they are taking care of business.  Nine times out a ten his mistress can teach you something”.  *cue the Xanax-kush-vodka cocktail*  This man has lost his mind!!  But I wanted to indulge him, here’s what he had to say:

“What she’s not willing to do, there’s another woman that’s more than willing.” Whether you want to admit it or not, that saying is 10000% true.  In my opinion, the only way to avoid that other woman is just to do what he asks you to do. As long as he’s willing to fulfill your needs and fantasies, I don’t see a problem with it. If you’re one of those stubborn women that refuse, then chances are that he has a woman on the side that doesn’t have a problem role playing, dressing up, or whatever it is he’s asking you to do. Don’t be mad at him, or her, honestly it’s your fault. You want to know what I would recommend?  What I would recommend doing, take notes from his mistress.  Yes, seriously……take notes. The mistress could suggest a few things that’ll add a firework show to your relationship that you can’t even imagine. Maybe a few things such as:

Role Play – Sometimes we men (at least I have)  dream about getting pulled over by a sexy female cop and getting out of a ticket, or staying after class for some extra credit, etc. There’s nothing wrong with it. It can actually be fun if you get rid of the ‘I’m too good for that’ attitude.   Be that cop, or that teacher for one night and see where it gets you!!!

Get Rid of Those Granny Panties – We don’t want to see that. We grew up wearing tighty whities and granny panties aren’t doing anything except taking us back to our childhood–not where we want to be when it’s time to get it going.  Women know how easily we get excited. Give us something exciting to look at.

Get Those Sexy Underwear and Walk Around Them – This goes back to what I said in the last paragraph. Eye candy is always great! It’s even better because we get to watch you walk that walk that turns us on, hips switching from side to side.

Send Him Naughty Text Messages and Pics – This will keep his mind on you all day.  Things gets bored as hell in that office all day.  Sending him a sexy text message to let him know what to expect after work would put a huge smile on his face! So will sending him a picture of what’s waiting for him after work. On that same note, don’t refrain from continuing any conversation that your text message may start. There’s no point of starting something you’re not willing to finish.

Give Head – Nothing irritates him more than hearing “I don’t feel like it!!” There’s no reason not to. A mistress has NO PROBLEM DOING IT!!! At home, in the kitchen, in the car, at the movies, in the changing room, it doesn’t matter. Just do it!!

Not to say I have a mistress that does this for me–but even if I did–what me and the nanny does is nobody’s business!!!! Anyway ladies, you have 2 options; either keep him happy or learn from your man’s mistress.

While he had some valid points, I smell male dominance all over this piece.  Is this really how our men think of us?  If the woman doesn’t act right on to the next one?! First off, the assertion that a mistress would even be an option speaks to the greed and entitlement men feed into.  Clearly there needs to be two parts to this complex controversy.  Part II coming soon.

The Things Men Do

Men are loving, caring, funny and sweet.  And while us women love them with all our hearts, their foolish and shocking antics leave us with lots to talk about.  It’s never a dull moment when a man is around, and we can’t help but to sit back and laugh, roll our eyes, shake our heads or drop our jaws at  their crazy occurrences of ridiculousness.

• Picks his toes, flicks it and measures the velocity of the flick…and to top it off, he’ll most likely smell the toe debris before throwing it behind the couch in the trash.

• Stays up til 2 am to watch The Godfather when he knows he has to be at work at 8am.

• Takes you on a “date” to  an all-in-one peep show/sex shops/adult video store–his idea of a romantic night.

• Places his  hands in his pockets to scratch his balls–a suave move in his book and a head-shaking one in ours.

• Changes the channel or close the laptop really quickly when he hears footsteps approaching.

• Hops up off the couch with super fast speed as you walk through the doors to portray that he’s been doing something other than being a lazy ass couch potato .

• Washes his hands and accidentally splashes water on the lower part of his shirt creating an appearance  that he’s pee’d on himself.

• Lives vicariously through video games–Madden Superbowl games are taken seriously.  You would think he was personally on the field.

• Brags about his driving skills when you both know he failed driver’s ed–twice.

• Offers to baby sit–his own child(ren).

• Buys a purse out of the truck of a stranger’s car…and then offer it up to his special lady as a birthday present.

• Tries to wipe with the strands of toilet paper that are glued to the roll.

• And then refuses to replace the empty toilet paper roll with a new one.

So Fantasia’s the Only One to Blame?

Not to beat a dead horse but I’ve been simmering about the Fantasia debacle since the ish hit the fan a few weeks ago.  I’m annoyed with the “she should have known better” basis for everyone’s new-found hate for her.  I’d be the first to admit she was wrong for her illicit affair with a married man.  She entered into a messy situation with her lover Antwan Cook, whose name she tattooed on her shoulder (idiot) but later got it removed, and she needs to woman-up to every ounce of heartache that comes with it.  In a blink of an eye, America’s soulful sweetheart has been berated and forced to wear a Scarlett letter and has jeopardized the empire she has struggled to build and maintain.

The North Carolina law that’s been cast to the forefront of Fantasia’s not-so-fairytale life is “alienation of affection”, a law that dates back to a time in our sad history when women were considered property, and if a man had an affair with another man’s wife it would be considered stealing and punishable by law.  Typically used for and by men, however the law is not gender specific, therefore wives have equal rights under this law.  North Carolina is one of 13 states with this law on the books.  I first heard of this law a few months back when this scorned wife sued her husband’s lover for $9 mil resulting in the wife winning the case.

Fantasia’s PR nightmare has had its share of theories:

–She was set up:  the lover and his wife knew they lived in a “alienation of affection” state therefore they used him as bait to set her up to sue her for her money.  To further corroborate this story, it was reported that a few months back when they were supposedly separated, the lover and his wife were seen at a social event together but refused to take photographs as a couple.

–It’s all for publicity:  days after her alleged suicide attempt Fantasia and her lover were seen being videotaped and followed by a camera crew.  It’s believed the camera crew was for her VH1 reality TV show Fantasia For Real set to air in September.

–She fell for a hustler:  reports have surfaced that he is a licensed realtor and would frequently take her to homes he claimed were his but were really properties he was responsible for selling.  There ‘s also the curiosity surrounding his real occupation because he also worked full-time at a T-Mobile store–this is how he apparently met Fantasia last year.

As each day brings dramatic new development , I have yet to read or hear of mainstream media and blogs ridiculing her lover in all this.  Yes, I know she’s the star therefore she warrants the media attention.  But with all these “two-cents” that have been spewed at “home-wreckin’ Tasia”, I’m having a hard time finding any comments about how this man has failed his responsibilities as a husband and father.  We have inadvertently given attention to a man who betrayed his vows, wife and kids.  And in today’s reality show happy–any news is good news–I need to make a name for myself world, his stock has basically sky-rocketed while Fantasia’s could plummet.  He’s just as a disgrace as she is because they are both wrong.  And in my opinion, he’s the loser for disappointing his family.  I guarantee this will not be the last we see of this man.  I’m sure he’ll pimp-out his 15 minutes of fame as all media/attention-whores do.

I’m sure Tasia has learned her lesson and is on to a new mission, finding a North Carolina politician to lobby to repeal this law–I’m sure every mistress/jump-off/secret lover in NC will thank her.

//

There’s a Panty Thief on the Loose

There is clearly a panty thief on the loose and he seems to be jacking me for my granny panties.  Every time I get out of the shower I rummage through my drawer looking for just the right pair.  And every time my selection looks a littler skimpier and sexier.  All of my cotton, nylon and cover your cheeks panties are gone.  Just vanished.  This has been happening for some time now so I decided to investigate.  I questioned my first suspect the other night:

Me:  Hey, have you seen any of my boy shorts, hip huggers or briefs?

The hubs: Naw, I haven’t.  But maybe you should put these on.  (holds up a thread of string that should only be worn when going half on a baby)

Me: *scoffs* You are so predictable.  I don’t want to wear those.  I just bought some new boy shorts the other day.  Are they in the dryer?

(I go to the laundry room and look for my panties.  When I come back, the hubs is nowhere to be found but he has so politely pull out yet another pair of undies–this time with lace and ruffles–and has laid them on the bed)

Me:  (I hunt him down) Look I know you’re doing something with my underwear and I don’t appreciate it…Since when do we tell each other what to wear?  That’s oppression.  You are trying to control me and you know I am a woman who can not be tamed.  (I have to inject my feminist perspective on this)

The hubs: (bewildered)  Babe, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  What reason would I have to get rid of your panties?

(Wha—is he really asking me this question with this dumbfounded look on his face?  As if his initial antics weren’t evidence enough to support my suspicions).  Here’s the problem, I think I set the bar too high and he got spoiled.  In our younger years we would frequently go to VS and splurge on undies.  I won’t lie, there is a sexiness that comes with wearing a naughty pair of panties, and not to mention the sleekness of not having panty lines bulging through your wardrobe.  But after a couple of pregnancies, one episiotomy and a horrible case of hemorrhoids, thong undies were the last thing on my mind.  So I started wearing nice, but no so sexy ones–comfort was my goal.

Apparently this hasn’t fared well with the hubs.  I guess our spontaneous and recent stops to Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood have gone under my radar because I always came out of those stores with a new bra or fragrance, but no panties. So when desperate times call for desperate measures the hubs will use any means necessary to get his point across.  Even if it means being a thief in the night and rearranging my panty drawer–though he vehemently denies these accusations.

Rule of Life #1257  Granny panties are one of the top things men hate.  Evidently, panties mean alot to the opposite species, because they’re willing to do the most outlandish things to ensure you wear just the right ones.