This Goes Out to the Baby Daddy’s

Someone close to me has a baby’s mama who abides by the trifling baby mama handbook.  You know the rules:

1) Get him for child support

2) Don’t allow him to see the child (despite a court order)

3) Use the child to control  him to do the things that benefit you

This trifling baby mama club is a true sorority and these chicks will have you shocked at their crazy antics.  Here’s the background: they were young and dumb and in lust and not knowing it wasn’t love.  At current they aren’t together and their relationship is a tumultuous one, but he tries to man up to his responsibilities while she tries to thwart any attempts he makes to be a constant figure in his child’s life.  “What kind of woman would do such a thing?” you ask…we all know the importance of a father being in a child’s life–especially a black child.  Not to mention the child is selfishly stripped from experiencing an entire side of her family.  You see, I empathize with the child because my father was missing in action (his choice) but my mother made sure I spent time with my paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.  Even though he wasn’t there, some of my fondest and most memorable experiences were with them.  To this day I still have a loving and close relationship with my father’s mother.

You would think, only someone of unsound mind would put her child’s necessities last.   Baby mama syndrome runs deep in this chicks blood and you could easily blame it on ignorance and nature.  But she too grew up without a father.  She personally knows and pain that comes with having an absentee father…so why would she resort to perpetuating the vicious cycle?  I’m no therapist but I’ve already diagnosed this chick with a few psychological disorders: pathological liar, multiple personalities, bipolar, narcissism, trichotillomania (I don’t know about this one, that’s just my over-zealous psych 112 from five years ago trying to impress you ).

Here’s my point, I can’t help but to feel pity for men who encounter this problem…wanting to be a positive figure in his child’s life, but are put through the ringer by selfish bitches chicks.  See I can’t even call her a woman, because real women know despite the grief and heartache you may have experienced in your relationship with him, that should never impose on his relationship he has with his child.  Suffice it to say if it there’s violence and abuse that’s another case but that’s not the situation here.  We praise women for putting the ‘S’ on their chest and being baby mama’s (yes thank you Fantasia for the theme song), but we overshadow and negate the efforts and presence of the fathers who are actually there…or at least trying to be.

So this blog does not go out to my baby mama’s ( I was one…until he put a ring on it) this goes out to the baby daddy’s.  Who work hard to (try to) keep up with that child support.  And who picks up an extra job to pay those attorney and court fees where he had to advocate for himself and his paternal rights.  And to those who cherish the time he spends with his little one despite the adversity that may come his way.  Fellas, I hope you all continue to take care of your responsibilities and showcase just how important fatherhood is to you but most importantly to your little one!

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So Fantasia’s the Only One to Blame?

Not to beat a dead horse but I’ve been simmering about the Fantasia debacle since the ish hit the fan a few weeks ago.  I’m annoyed with the “she should have known better” basis for everyone’s new-found hate for her.  I’d be the first to admit she was wrong for her illicit affair with a married man.  She entered into a messy situation with her lover Antwan Cook, whose name she tattooed on her shoulder (idiot) but later got it removed, and she needs to woman-up to every ounce of heartache that comes with it.  In a blink of an eye, America’s soulful sweetheart has been berated and forced to wear a Scarlett letter and has jeopardized the empire she has struggled to build and maintain.

The North Carolina law that’s been cast to the forefront of Fantasia’s not-so-fairytale life is “alienation of affection”, a law that dates back to a time in our sad history when women were considered property, and if a man had an affair with another man’s wife it would be considered stealing and punishable by law.  Typically used for and by men, however the law is not gender specific, therefore wives have equal rights under this law.  North Carolina is one of 13 states with this law on the books.  I first heard of this law a few months back when this scorned wife sued her husband’s lover for $9 mil resulting in the wife winning the case.

Fantasia’s PR nightmare has had its share of theories:

–She was set up:  the lover and his wife knew they lived in a “alienation of affection” state therefore they used him as bait to set her up to sue her for her money.  To further corroborate this story, it was reported that a few months back when they were supposedly separated, the lover and his wife were seen at a social event together but refused to take photographs as a couple.

–It’s all for publicity:  days after her alleged suicide attempt Fantasia and her lover were seen being videotaped and followed by a camera crew.  It’s believed the camera crew was for her VH1 reality TV show Fantasia For Real set to air in September.

–She fell for a hustler:  reports have surfaced that he is a licensed realtor and would frequently take her to homes he claimed were his but were really properties he was responsible for selling.  There ‘s also the curiosity surrounding his real occupation because he also worked full-time at a T-Mobile store–this is how he apparently met Fantasia last year.

As each day brings dramatic new development , I have yet to read or hear of mainstream media and blogs ridiculing her lover in all this.  Yes, I know she’s the star therefore she warrants the media attention.  But with all these “two-cents” that have been spewed at “home-wreckin’ Tasia”, I’m having a hard time finding any comments about how this man has failed his responsibilities as a husband and father.  We have inadvertently given attention to a man who betrayed his vows, wife and kids.  And in today’s reality show happy–any news is good news–I need to make a name for myself world, his stock has basically sky-rocketed while Fantasia’s could plummet.  He’s just as a disgrace as she is because they are both wrong.  And in my opinion, he’s the loser for disappointing his family.  I guarantee this will not be the last we see of this man.  I’m sure he’ll pimp-out his 15 minutes of fame as all media/attention-whores do.

I’m sure Tasia has learned her lesson and is on to a new mission, finding a North Carolina politician to lobby to repeal this law–I’m sure every mistress/jump-off/secret lover in NC will thank her.

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Happy First Day of First Grade Sweetness

“Mom, I’m not a baby anymore.  My grade has a number now.  I am officially a big kid.”  Spoken like a true scholastic diva.  My baby who’s been by my side 24/7 every 104 days of summer vacation, was sent off to her first day of first grade.  Off to conquer her academics, make new friends and compete to be the number one box topper in her class.  The sending off was bittersweet, I was told my crying and lingering is quite embarrassing,  so her dad escorted her.     She and I have been preparing for this for a couple of weeks now.  She had to have the sparkling pencils with the feathers on the tip.  The paint that offers glitter and pastel colors.  And the hand sanitizer and lotion from victoria’s secret.   I would be remiss if I failed to mention the emphasis that was put on her artsy nail design, wardrobe, jewelry, sandals, backpack and lipgloss shade–all the things that makes back-to-school a fun and entertaining experience for any girl.

I’m sure she can’t wait to play mother hen to the younger kids of school, meet the new teachers and principal and catch up with her old friends.  If she were a beauty queen Miss Congeniality would be her title.  If she were a author Harriet the Spy would be her muse.  And if she were literary character Junie Beatrice Jones would be her personality.  I’m so happy to have such a smart, creative, funny and sassy girl to call my own…she is really a girl after my own heart.  Love you sweetness–Make me proud!!

I had to sneak a little note into her lunch, she read it before she left.  I cried while she read it and she looked at me with this “see this is why you can’t drop me off at school” look.  Man I can’t believe my baby isn’t a baby anymore.

Happy Birthday Dad

Birthday’s are such a great thing.  To have one day dedicated to all things about you is awesome!!  So I wanted to send a special birthday shoutout to the love of my life the hubs…He’s an awesome guy, phenomenal dad and talented artist.  I truly love everything about him–well with an exception to his  fungi-covered feet.  He loves me when I’m at my best and encourages me when I’m at my worst.  Could a girl ask for anything more?  Happy birthday punkin (he hates it when I call him this)

Happy Independence Day

There’s just an unspoken happiness that comes with holidays.  Great food, lots of fun and most importantly hilarious family.  As I get ready to visit my in-laws, I get this warm fuzzy giggly feeling to know that I am about in indulge in some dysfunctional comedy of pay-per-view proportions.  From the outside, it may seem like an episode from COPS, but for me, it’s just another family get together.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my in-laws–as country and unrefined funny as they may be–I just can’t help to make fun of them.  Besides, laughter is food for the soul right?  Well my soul is about to overdose on some good ‘ol laughter.  So get the margarita mix ready (because the hubs has an aunt who gets drunk off the mix alone–no alcohol–just mix), power up the camera and grab a seat.  The Beverly Hillbillies have nothing on the Stuarts from Arkansas.

Rule of life #425 The highest form of flattery is to write a blog post about how much you love your family!

Cocktail Playdates

It”s mid-day and already I have happy hour on my mind.  And I’m also getting excited about going out with my partners-in-crime and having a drink tonight. Then thinking about coming home and getting chocolate wasted while the hubs plays Xbox.  My blood type is pinot noir and drinking is my vice.  There I said it!  You won’t ever see me on the ‘Moms Who Drink’ episode of Dr. Phil, although I love watching other people’s dysfunction hilariously unfold on  TV, while secretly rejoicing that my life hasn’t gotten bad enough to invite Dr. Phil to analyze and castigate me (this is a lie, I just haven’t heard back from the show’s producers).  When the Today Show did this piece on whether happy hour and play dates should mix, my response was “Uh, everyone mom knows forget the playdate, put those kids to sleep and pop open that bubbly, duh.”

As you would imagine, many have something to say about this topic.  People who oppose drinking around kids cite the negative example mothers are setting for their kids as role models, the issues with driving from your playdate after indulging, and the possibility of dependency that may develop.  Those who see no problem with it claim it’s only one or two glasses of wine being consumed (WHAT!!  You mean no one is taking Patron shots?) and it exposes kids to responsible drinking.  There has been extensive blogging and media coverage on this controversial topic. Don’t be shocked by my stance but I’m not for or against cocktail playdates.  When it comes to the hubs and I, in every instance there was drinking in a social atmosphere and our kiddos were around, one of us refrained from drinking.  What can I say, it just works for us raging alcoholics.

Faginers, Pews and Potlucks (Oh My!)

I need a reality show seriously.  What better way to make my kids proud then to document our pure and chaotic dysfunction!  Maybe the hubs and I should use the cameracorder for things other than bedroom antics.  I kid I kid…

ANY CHARACTER HERE

We went to brunch Sunday after church and of course sweetness had to go to the restroom.  Because she knows I get psychotic about public restrooms, she waits until the absolute last mintue before telling me she has to “use it”.  So we rush off to the restroom because I know I’ve got 56 seconds before we have a major issue.  Once in there she normally waits for me to wipe down the toilet seat with soap, dry it off and line it.  But I guess she was in such a hurry that she decided to do it herself. As I turn around from locking the door,  I see sweetness using her bare hand to brush some toilet paper crumbs off the seat and into the bowl.  I screamed:

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  What the hel–hillaryduff are you doing?! (I didn’t want to curse just yet, I try to wait until at least a couple hours after leaving church)

Sweetness: What?

Me:  What are you doing?!?!  You never EVER touch anything on a toilet seat with your bare hands. You don’t know where that came from.  It probably came out of someone’s crevice.  Can you imagine the germs that you just transmitted to your hands?!

Sweetness: Crescent? Like the moon?

Me: (Me and my odd words) No honey, not like the moon.  Crevice.

Sweetness:  What’s that?  Is it a dirty place?

Me: (annoyed with myself that I opened this can of worms I begin to backtrack) Um, well it’s a place like a hole and yes it can be a dirty dirty place.  And in this instance we’re going to pretend that it is a dirty place.  That’s why we need to clean the toilet with soap and paper towel before we sit on it.

Sweetness: (doing the potty dance because I made her wash her dirty little hands before “using it”) Can you please tell me what kind of place could be so dirty?

Me: (why did I raise this inquisitive child?  I need to stop encouraging her to ask questions because it’s putting me in tough situations) Look girl it probably came out of someone’s vagina!

Sweetness: (finally she’s sitting on the toilet) Faginer?  (pronounced: fah-jy-ner) What’s a faginer?

Me: (we call It a princess in our house because you are expected to treat It like royalty) Your Princess.  The scientific name is vagina.  Got it?

Sweetness: Yea I do.  (the lightbulb clicks on) Eww that is gross if I touch something that came out of someone’s Princess faginer.

Me: Riiiight!!!! I’m so glad it clicked!

Sweetness: You’re glad what clicked?

Me: Nevermind, finish up so we can get out of here.

**We exit the restroom, her feeling relieved and me feeling stressed because I know this conversation is not over.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Clearly by the above post you can gather I am somewhat of a germ freak.  So imagine my disgust when I see a woman in church sitting on the pew in front of me changing her grandson’s diaper ON THE PEW as if it was some cozy little changing table.  If we can’t chew gum in the sanctuary then by golly it should be illegal to change a dirty diaper in it too.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

I wanted to go get a mani and pedi over the weekend.  And because I wanted a brand new full set of fake (as sweetness says) nails I peeled off my old set one-by-freaking-one.  Talk about pain!  While peeling, I riped one nail straight down the middle of the nail–there was blood, pain and LOTS of cursing–OUCH!  My thumbnails are so brittle I can’t even text message on my cell phone.  And the rest of my nails feel like they’re on fire!!!  If you ever want to torture someone, just pull off their finger nails one-by-freaking-one.  There’s no greater pain the the world!

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Oh yea sweetness is working “faginer” into everything under the sun (and sea):

Sweetness: Does Sandy from Spongenbob have a faginer?  And do you think it’s dirty or clean since she’s underwater all the time?

Rule of life#1709 A lady always makes sure her faginer is protected from all outside elements.  Even if she lives under the sea!

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Last week I shouted her out as June haha, but really her name is Texas Holly!! Sorry Holly, thanx for not unleashing the blog hounds on me;)

Mojitos for the Potluck

This past week my life has consisted of drama and controversy!  I am ready to tackle it.  Head on, with a martini glass in hand!

I made me a cocktail every night last week after my sweetnesses went to bed.  And then got pissed because I had to wake up at 6:30 am.  Reasoning you ask? What can I say, I have a stressful job!  Not to mention it was just one of those weeks.  Truth be told, all day today I dreamt about happy hour.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Our grass is growing so high it looks like I’m growing something illegal (I wish) in the backyard.  The man who we hired to cut our grass claims we owe him money, but according to my records he owes us a cut. When it comes to my business, I am a shark!  It’s hard to prove fallacies with me!  So we’re in dispute over who owes who.  Little does he know it’s his loss.  I’ll just find a crackhead to hire in the interim who will do the same job.  Sorry to be so unethical but it’s all about the cheap labor folks!

ANY CHARACTER HERE

My sweetness told me about how her 8-year-old cousin was at day camp pretending to smoke a cigarette.  She demonstrated with her dry erase marker (puffs and all) and I became outraged!

Shouldn’t I be the one breaking in her first smoke?!  I kid.  I kid,  but seriously, I want to be the one to tell her about all the risqué things going on in life!  So I capitalized on the opportunity:

Me: Do you want to be known as the girl who smokes cigarettes with stinky breath and yellow teeth?

Sweetness:  No, eww gross.  Besides I have baby teeth and everyone knows baby teeth don’t turn yellow.  And I’ll just eat a cough drop for my bad breath.  (geez, she’s caught on to my “church breath” cure.  And is she trying to justify smoking?)

Me: (startled she has comebacks, so I have to step my game up) Listen, any kid who thinks smoking is cool will have rotten teeth, bad breath and the tooth fairy will haunt you in your dreams.  You don’t want the tooth fairy to be against you, do you?

Sweetness: (slightly crying) No ma’am.

Me: Well you better not ever smoke!  I mean never!  Ever!

end of discussion. enters dad (the wise  grasshopper of the two) to rectify the situation.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

VBS: Vacation Bible School.  I hate to be the one to admit it but I’m so happy my kids have a place to go after day camp!

Rule of Life #208 Don’t be so serious about stuff.  You’ll miss that the joke is really on you!

Thanks June, the originator and creator!!  What would this potluck be without you?!?!?!

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Fab Friday

I don’t know about you but I live for and love FRIDAYS!!! After a long and treacherous work week I’m ready to relax and chill fabulously!  Being fab is just a way of life for me and I want to encourage you to be FAB too!  So, each Friday I’m going to suggest some Fab things for you to do during your weekend! Be Fab dolls! ~amk-b

Fab Drinks:

Nuvoso by Nuvo

• 1/2 part vodka
• 2 parts chilled Nuvo
• splash of pineapple juice

Serve over ice in a champagne flute or a rocks glass

Gentle and Smooth

• 1½ ounces Gentleman’s Jack
• 1½ ounces simple syrup
• 2 ounces fresh lime juice
• Lime wedge to garnish

Combine all ingredients in a cocktail mixer with ice and shake vigorously. Strain liquid over ice into a chilled rocks glass.

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Photo courtesy of Hwillmama

Fab Concerts: Calling all Hip Hop fans!!!!  Eclectic and talented hip hop artists Cash Hollistah featuring Manish Law, Chris Barnett and RebelUn, will be performing Saturday, June 12th, 9 pm at Rock Island Live (Douglas & Rock Island) this show will be nothing short of phenomenal.

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Photo courtesy of justjaredjr.buzznet.com

Fab Family: Of course the weekend would not be complete without spending time with the kiddos!  My 6-year-old has reminded me everyday this week she wants to see cutie patootie Jaden Smith in Karate Kid.  And for you outdoorsy types, there’s a great event this weekend at the Great Plains Nature Center: Movies: Karate Kid, Marmaduke, Shrek Forever After, How to Train Your Dragon Wildlife:  Great Plains Nature Center Annual Walk with Wildlife–Saturday, June 12th from 9 am -3 pm.  Take a hike through the nature center and try to spot out over 50 species of Kansas wildlife.  The whole family is invited and the cost is $2 per person.

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Photo courtesy of American Heart Assoc

Fab Charity: Join miniskirtmama at the American Heart Association’s Wichita Heart Walk, Saturday, June 12th.  Support this great cause and go out and get your walk/run on!

~Rule of Life #113 Live, Love, Laugh Fabulously!

June Cleaver Who?

It seems like everyone has become a professional blogger.  You know how it goes. “This blog is just a platform for me to share my thought-provoking and enlightening experiences”—NOT! My mind works in mysterious ways.  Seriously, sometimes I question the way the synapses synapse to make me think of the things that my brain conjures up.  First let me say, I am a critic of conventional wisdom.  I am the antithesis of June Cleaver.  I will probably offend some but many will fall in love with me. I read parenting books and magazines just to refute the bs they propagate.  My kids eat Kid Cuisine’s, Swedish Fish and watch well over the recommended dose of TV; yet my 6-year-old was the smartest in her class with benchmarks off the charts and my twins are not your average toddlers  (their genius seriously scares me—more about that in later posts).

Think of me as that little nuisance on your shoulder, but are too ashamed/embarrassed/reserved to acknowledge (aloud).  I have no filter and I don’t proclaim to know it all.  I once thought an Atari was a musical instrument and often mistake a screwdriver with a monkey wrench.  But here’s what I do know:  I am a wife to a man who was created just for me.  Seriously he just gets me, no questions asked.  Our relationship just works.  And I am the mother of three of the most adorable little divas-in-trainings, but I’m not afraid to admit they’re bad very adventurous! They’re smart, rambunctious and keep me on my toes.  The four of them are the reasons why Bitchin’ is my first language.

It’s funny because they know when I’m about to get started–even the 20-month-olds.  My nose flares, I pop my gum , huff and puff.  My already soprano voice raises an octave and my Jersey accent mysteriously returns.  Then all of a sudden I speak like a mob boss and the commands begin to spew and everyone scatters.  Well,  scatter is an exaggeration, but they do look at me as if I’m some crazy, possessed person from a Yo Gabba Gabba episode gone bad.  Sometimes my tactics work, and most times it doesn’t.  But I’m no longer in denial.  I bitch, nag and complain and surprisingly, everything stays the same.  Rule of Life #1208 Bitchin’ Ain’t Easy, but look good while doing it.

Photos Courtesy of HWillMama